News Flash From Pakistan

Helloe Helloe,
I am here in Pakistan to help you in your deep distress. My name is the Rev. Dr Chuck Ausherman from Church World Service the oldest and largest Christian and Orthodox emergency relief organization to assist you in this mess you seem to be in. I am also now the chair of the Bath Church Missions Board.
Before I dispense this enormous supply of aid from your brothers and sisters in America I must find out where you stand on a number of vital issues.

As you suffer in these terrible flood waters that washed away your home and all of your belongings, what are your positions on Gay marriage? Do you approve of abortion on demand? Do you support the Tea Party agenda? Or are you a flaming liberal? I must get your reply before we get around to this food which you seem to be preoccupied with. Really now, please stop sloshing around. You are getting me wet too! I must know if you are in favor of the American Stimulus to the economy? Where are you on gun control?

My goodness you are really wet. Before you slip again into these raging waters, I must know where you stand on these vital matters before I help you. I am so very sorry you lost your beautiful children in this disaster which seems to be the worst in history. You realize that I have just come from Haiti where people are still mostly living in tents and I had to ask these same questions before giving aid.
We don’t give help to every Tomas, Ricardo and Haryono, you know.

I am here to make sure you agree with my political position on a number of issues before giving you help. Oops, please hang on. The waters seem to be deepening. The folks who supply this aid must know where you stand on these things. We don’t just give help to anyone you know without knowing what their positions are. Be careful. My church has statements on all these things and a wrong answer could cost you your LIFE! Hang on to this life raft and I may be able to assist you. Are you a Republican or a Democrat? Would you be willing to join my church?

P.S.News got back to UCC Cleveland about this interview and Chuck was fired and sent home immediately. His claim to dry clean his favorite clerical clothes was denied. Legal charges are pending.

This untrue story is intended to clarify the context of disaster assistance.